Evening guys!
Today’s blog is about trust, how valuable it is and how hard it is to trust again once its been shattered.
It would be a redundant point to say that my levels of trust have recently gone out the window, as most of you have followed my path to moving on after heartbreak. However, I have found that it is not just my trust in love that has now become deluded but also my trust in other people and more alarmingly, myself.
I made the point in my last blog that due to past issues haunting me, I have found starting this new relationship extremely difficult. My new partner has had to find new levels of patience and understanding, for which I am eternally grateful, in order to persue and explore us. It just seems like I have a tonne of baggage that I’m bringing into this…
I am so afraid of not only feeling that kind of hurt again, but more so inflicting it upon someone else. I don’t trust myself.
Cardinal De Retz once said that ‘a man who does not trust himself can never really trust anyone else’. I find myself questioning every motive and feeling I have at the moment, whether they be of a positive, benine or negative nature.
I am not for one minute questioning whether or not I am ready for this, because good god I am, but more questioning how I do this, as last time I seemed to royally fuck it up.
Now, I know common sense dictates that I was not the one in the wrong in the last relationship and therefore should feel no guilt or misgivings about my actions. However, when the one person that you love points out your deepest insecurities to you and uses them against you it’s hard not to listen…
At the moment, I am at the stage of not trusting myself. Not so much from the point of view of lying or cheating, as I know deep down I could never do that to somebody after I have felt how much it hurt to have it done to me, but from the perspective of not being true to myself and that having consequences.
The trust issues do not stay within the realms of love, they are everywhere. I can’t trust anybody to meet me at a certain time and place, do me a favour or even stupid things like putting on the washing machine for me.
Alarmingly, I also feel like I can’t trust my own instincts and judgment anymore. For months I was convinced that everything was fine within my life, and that any paranoid thoughts were purely down to my own self esteem and insecurities, so I brushed them off and comforted myself with logic. Mainly, the person that I loved most in my life would never do such a thing to me, that I was being horrible for thinking and acting on such thoughts and ultimately if something was going on that wasn’t cricket then our mutual friends and family would tell me.
Obviously, things didn’t pan out that way, and as a result I became more reliant on my gut instinct. However, when it is in your nature to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and to rationale all events, then that gut instinct can throw everything into chaos. There’s also the matter of not knowing whether your gut instinct is telling you something again or whether, like a false pregnancy, you believe something is there because you want it to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I want to find out that someone close to me is being untruthful and for me to go through all of that again. More if you believe that everyone is of a certain calibre then you don’t have to trust, you don’t have to make that leap. You can keep the walls up and stay intact.
The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams. If I stay behind my fort forever, then I can feel the gut wrenching pain that I know is possible… I never want to feel that worthless and pathetic ever again.
But as Frank Cane once said, ‘you may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough’. I have to make that leap.
Until next week x
