The reason there hasn’t been a blog in over two months is because, in short, I’ve been getting on with my life. More to the point, I’ve been enjoying life.
When I last left you guys I was in a difficult place, unable to commit my heart to a relationship that I believed doomed from the start. My walls were up from the last relationship, and despite how many bullets, grenades and bananas were thrown at them, they would not come down. Why let someone in to only hurt you again, right? Especially when in nine months time it will probably be over because you’re moving to a different city.
Since then, after a lot of coaxing from friends, reassurances from my partner and a fair few bottles of wine, I gave in. I let him in.
Now believe me, its scares the living crap out of me that somebody else in this world has got that close to me again and could (potentially) hurt me. I’m as vulnerable as the guy who has to pass the soap in the showers…
But if you never give anyone else a chance, then you’re just going to have a list of empty relationships or one night stands and ultimately end up alone. You just have to stop over analysing and assessing, if this relationship ends in a raging inferno that makes you fall to pieces again then so be it!
Breakups inevitably happen, not everyone stays together forever – where’s the fun in that? – which in turn makes hurt inevitable. I’ve grown the view that for everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It’s about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice.
A* may have broken me and left the glass shards on the floor, but in return for the hurt I felt in the short term I gained so many things in the long term. His lies taught me to follow my gut, his spite and scorn taught me to be graceful and dignified and ultimately his bitterness taught me to look back and appreciate the past rather than resent it. See? Loss – Gain.
So if this is case, tried and tested, then if my life has been going great at the moment and I’m gaining so much… then where is the loss?
My ambitions.
It’s amazing how things can turn about so quickly in such a short space. Six months ago I was sure I was going to university, I wouldn’t have a relationship for a while and I would write more blogs. Now, I’m in a full time job, I’m in a relationship and it’s been two months since I’ve written a blog.
Ok, ok… those are little things, granted, but it’s a small example of how something I was so sure of doing didn’t actually happen. I’m loving my life at the moment, I have a great job (with great money), fantastic friends, loving family and an extremely patient and loving boyfriend. It’s the ideal, right?
So what happens if I move away from it all in September? It goes.
I’ve seen so many friends fade out of our social group because of university or job relocation and seem an outsider when they come back, and long distance relationships are so difficult… I don’t want that to happen to me.
It boils down to this, future life vs. present life.
The logical thing to do would be to take a breath and just live for the moment here, I don’t have to make any decisions until August anyway so why worry about it now? Why – because I need to be in control of everything in my life, otherwise I panic and worry. Just like now.
Babatunde Olatunji once said ‘Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present’
Guess I’ll just have to cool it for a while….
Till next time guys x
