No, I’m not dead.
Nor am I sick, in hospital, ran off to another country, travelling the world, pregnant or in prison.
These are just some of the reasons you guys had conjured for my absence from these pages, sent to me in the mass amount of emails.
After finally coming back to the laptop to start tapping away again, I was halted for a good hour so I could go through your messages!
Don’t get me wrong guys, I love you all and love that you worry about me – a relative stranger, who just happens to write a blog every couple of *ahem* weeks – but let’s keep a positive frame of mind, yeah?
Out of the ninety-four emails, approximately two thirds of you were worried I had either hurt myself or got imprisoned for attacking and murdering a certain ex-boyfriend. Please, the latter is just ridiculous, you’d know I’d never get caught.
The real reason for me not writing lately is purely because I’ve been lazy… lazy and busy.
But I’m back now, and while I can’t promise that I’ll be writing every week (I have a job and a boyfriend now you know!), I can promise that I will never leave you here this long on your own again.
Ok, friends? Good.
Last night, I attended a friend’s birthday night out in the local clubspot - which for my glorious part of the world includes a Wetherspoons, outdated club and kebab shop – where an incident happened that got me thinking.
My social circle includes both single and attached people, and last night there was a rift in the couple camp, the ‘P’ word came out to play.
A certain look, a flirty comment, a harmless joke, all misinterpreted because of paranoia. It’s an area of a relationship that no couple can escape, it can be downplayed, but no one is immune from it. I think this is exaggerated when there is a history of lies in your love life overall.
Now, this is something my partner and I regularly come to blows on – how can you judge someone based on another persons actions? It sounds like perfect logic, but when there is repetition of common behaviour in the partners you have had – should you ignore it and start with another person afresh? Or leave a certain amount of worry and fear, to prepare yourself should the seemingly inevitable happen?
A scientist judges the result of an experiment based on repetition in results, as do doctors, psychologists, engineers, teachers, the list goes on. In the professional sector, this is a common action and testing area to predict future outcomes in business. It spreads to practically every area
of employment, from a warehouse worker to the prime minister – everybody looks for trends.
So, if we all apply this logic of looking for trends in every other aspect of our lives, then why can’t we in our love lives?
I know that I cannot control the future, I can’t stop someone from cheating on me, or lying to me, or even scarier… non of the above.
I’m so used to being left in the lurch by men, it’s a hard habit to break out of.
When I tell my partner that I love him, and he replies ‘yeah, you’re alright’ with a smile on his face, I find it really cute. Give half an hour and I’m analysing it. When he jokes with a mutual friend that when she wants a ‘real man’ she knows where to come, I laugh. Give me until the next morning and I’m freaking out that he wants her instead of me. When he tells me he wants to spend time at home with his mates instead of seeing me tonight (again), it pisses me off… Ok, no comeback on that one, I’d still be pissed off later.
The point is, its hard to find that balance between being a completely paranoid, possessive, disillusional freak and some kind of hippie, free loving, serene queen.
I’m no longer worried that he’ll cheat on me, and that has taken me six months to learn and truly believe.
I’m worried he will fall out of love with me…
Give me another six months and I might be ok!
But surely that’s just a female thing, right? The internet pages are filled with female neuroticism, just google ‘does my boyfriend..’ and see what comes up. There are self help guides, forums and chat rooms full of women who worry about the same thing.
I know that you’re worrying about it right now, reading this. Especially if you googled ‘paranoia’ and came across my blog for the first time (in which case, COOOEY!)
I can’t give advice on how to be in this scenario, purely because I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Try not to live inside your head too much, conversations with yourself can get deafening. Live life for now, because if you keep analysing and worrying then you’ll miss whats in front of you now.
Till next time x
