The last couple of years I’ve been the person that says ‘just get me a card’ or ‘I’m not that really bothered – its another day’.  I don’t know why, maybe its because I don’t like being the centre of attention or that my mum has always taught me to be grateful for anything I get, because on some other continent there’s a child that’s dying of some pathetic disease and doesn’t have any water blah blah blah…

This year, I’m being picky – I want everything. 
I want the mass get together where it’s all focused on me, I want the holiday with the boyfriend where we do everything I want to do, I want a mountain of gifts and I want need chocolate cake.  With candles.  Twenty two of them.  Now.
This sounds uber selfish, but I think for one day I can be selfish. Maybe?

I’ve dropped enough hints for a man to notice (i.e. BLATAINT IN YOUR FACE), so I’ll let you know how it goes.

xx

These are just some of the reasons you guys had conjured for my absence from these pages, sent to me in the mass amount of emails. 
After finally coming back to the laptop to start tapping away again, I was halted for a good hour so I could go through your messages!
Don’t get me wrong guys, I love you all and love that you worry about me – a relative stranger, who just happens to write a blog every couple of *ahem* weeks – but let’s keep a positive frame of mind, yeah? 
Out of the ninety-four emails, approximately two thirds of you were worried I had either hurt myself or got imprisoned for attacking and murdering a certain ex-boyfriend.  Please, the latter is just ridiculous, you’d know I’d never get caught.

The real reason for me not writing lately is purely because I’ve been lazy… lazy and busy. 
But I’m back now, and while I can’t promise that I’ll be writing every week (I have a job and a boyfriend now you know!), I can promise that I will never leave you here this long on your own again.
Ok, friends? Good.

Last night, I attended a friend’s birthday night out in the local clubspot - which for my glorious part of the world includes a Wetherspoons, outdated club and kebab shop – where an incident happened that got me thinking.
My social circle includes both single and attached people, and last night there was a rift in the couple camp, the ‘P’ word came out to play.
A certain look, a flirty comment, a harmless joke, all misinterpreted because of paranoia.  It’s an area of a relationship that no couple can escape, it can be downplayed, but no one is immune from it.  I think this is exaggerated when there is a history of lies in your love life overall.

Now, this is something my partner and I regularly come to blows on – how can you judge someone based on another persons actions?   It sounds like perfect logic, but when there is repetition of common behaviour in the partners you have had – should you ignore it and start with another person afresh? Or leave a certain amount of worry and fear, to prepare yourself should the seemingly inevitable happen?
A scientist judges the result of an experiment based on repetition in results, as do doctors, psychologists, engineers, teachers, the list goes on.  In the professional sector, this is a common action and testing area to predict future outcomes in business.  It spreads to practically every area
of  employment, from a warehouse worker to the prime minister – everybody looks for trends.
So, if we all apply this logic of looking for trends in every other aspect of our lives, then why can’t we in our love lives?

I know that I cannot control the future, I can’t stop someone from cheating on me, or lying to me, or even scarier… non of the above. 
I’m so used to being left in the lurch by men, it’s a hard habit to break out of. 
When I tell my partner that I love him, and he replies ‘yeah, you’re alright’ with a smile on his face, I find it really cute.  Give half an hour and I’m analysing it.  When he jokes with a mutual friend that when she wants a ‘real man’ she knows where to come, I laugh.  Give me until the next morning and I’m freaking out that he wants her instead of me.  When he tells me he wants to spend time at home with his mates instead of seeing me tonight (again), it pisses me off… Ok, no comeback on that one, I’d still be pissed off later.

The point is, its hard to find that balance between being a completely paranoid, possessive, disillusional freak and  some kind of hippie, free loving, serene queen. 

I’m no longer worried that he’ll cheat on me, and that has taken me six months to learn and truly believe. 
I’m worried he will fall out of love with me…
Give me another six months and I might be ok!

But surely that’s just a female thing, right?  The internet pages are filled with female neuroticism, just google ‘does my boyfriend..’ and see what comes up.  There are self help guides, forums and chat rooms full of women who worry about the same thing.
I know that you’re worrying about it right now, reading this.  Especially if you googled ‘paranoia’ and came across my blog for the first time (in which case, COOOEY!)

I can’t give advice on how to be in this scenario, purely because I don’t want to be a hypocrite.  Try not to live inside your head too much, conversations with yourself can get deafening.  Live life for now, because if you keep analysing and worrying then you’ll miss whats in front of you now.

Till next time x

I always believed that there was a route for everybody, that that decision the coffee-breath and brown corduroy teachers force you to make at the tender age of sixteen.  At sixteen, I was more worried about if Jo Smith* fancied me and what I was going to wear to prom! Life plan? Pfft… pink ruffle dresses and Bucks Fizz please.
Ok, so I was never into the ruffle movement, but that’s beyond the point!
Why the hell are we forced to make these life shaping decisions at such an age? We don’t know what we want.  Hell, I’m 21 and I still don’t know what I want!
(Although, those shoes in the Next catalogue do look very appealing….)

I always followed the natural progression in education; GCSEs, A Levels, Uni.  Got to uni, didn’t like it, dropped out.
What a wonderful waste of time and money that was.

But with so many other people doing the same, it makes me wonder if this is our path or what we perceive as the path?
I followed the path and ended up not particularly liking it and six grand worse off for it.  It’s not so much the money, I consider it an extremely expensive learning curve.  The experience taught me not to follow expectations and listen to myself, not to worry too much about what other people think because ultimately, you only have to answer to yourself.

It also follows the old philosophy that for everything you lose, you gain something.  Without following that progression path I wouldn’t have taken a job I would never have applied for and fell in love with it.  Without following that progression path I wouldn’t have moved on from one man to another, an instant upgrade, who is so different to what I have ever gone for.  I’m so used to having men who do what they’re told and have an extremely laid back approach to life (so laid back they’re almost horizontal), that it’s quite refreshing to have someone challenge me every now and again.
And, if you’re reading this, said man, then do not take that as permission to constantly argue with me… I’m still always right.

The point is, the path is still there.  I was so worried when I was unemployed that I had strayed from the path, when really it was only the road signs I couldn’t see.  I’m past the crossroads in my life now and I’m following an alternate route, looking forward because if I look back then I’ll crash into a car…. or a badger.

Just take it one step at a time, follow the signs and watch out for the manic drivers on the road.  If all else fails, stop and ask for directions… everyone needs a little help every now and again, even men.

Till next time x

So, today I had to comfort a friend who has been going through a few relationship problems at the moment.  They’re extremely down, hurt and lost and I wanted to be there for them.  I hate seeing people down and I always feel the need to fix those that are….
My year 7 teacher described me once, in a school report, as a ‘mother hen’ and I suppose I haven’t really grown out of it.  It’s the reason I ask if my colleague’s ok if she comes into work with red eyes, it’s the reason I offer a trip to MacDonalds if I sense someone needs to talk, heck, it’s the reason I took a counselling qualification!  To see someone down and, even worse, lost is unbearable for me.  It reminds me so much of when things hit rock bottom and I felt so alone…

So, when someone challenges what you are, the way you act, the way you have always been, it’s going to hurt.  It’s like they are challenging and nitpicking at every fibre of your being. 
There is a difference between interfering and caring, believe me – I’ve learnt that! Ultimately, you can’t stop or control somebody else’s action and in the long run it’s healthier to make your own mistakes.  There is nothing to gain from telling a friend she’s a fool and shouldn’t take him back, it only drives a wedge between yourself and them.  By being there for somebody, letting them know they are fool but not judging them for it, that is the true friendship. 

A lot of people find it hard to see the difference between interference and being a friend, and in extreme circumstances have distanced themselves from any situation that involves going beyond the call of emotional duty for a friend because of not being able to define that difference and having it backfire on them. 

I can’t stop who I am, and I’m not going to change to suit anybody else’s comfort.  I will always be that friend who answers the phone at 3am because a friend can’t sleep, or let my little brother stay over at my house because he’s had a fight with our mom or take a colleague home from work because it’s raining and the bus stop is a 10 minute walk away… That is just who I am.  And, quite frankly, I don’t think that’s such a bad thing.

I am mother hen, and long may my clucking reign.

x

When I last left you guys I was in a difficult place, unable to commit my heart to a relationship that I believed doomed from the start.  My walls were up from the last relationship, and despite how many bullets, grenades and bananas were thrown at them, they would not come down.  Why let someone in to only hurt you again, right? Especially when in nine months time it will probably be over because you’re moving to a different city.
Since then, after a lot of coaxing from friends, reassurances from my partner and a fair few bottles of wine, I gave in.  I let him in. 

Now believe me, its scares the living crap out of me that somebody else in this world has got that close to me again and could (potentially) hurt me.  I’m as vulnerable as the guy who has to pass the soap in the showers…
But if you never give anyone else a chance, then you’re just going to have a list of empty relationships or one night stands and ultimately end up alone. You just have to stop over analysing and assessing, if this relationship ends in a raging inferno that makes you fall to pieces again then so be it!
Breakups inevitably happen, not everyone stays together forever – where’s the fun in that? – which in turn makes hurt inevitable.  I’ve grown the view that for everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.  It’s about your outlook towards life.  You can either regret or rejoice.

A* may have broken me and left the glass shards on the floor, but in return for the hurt I felt in the short term I gained so many things in the long term.  His lies taught me to follow my gut, his spite and scorn taught me to be graceful and dignified and ultimately his bitterness taught me to look back and appreciate the past rather than resent it.  See? Loss – Gain.

So if this is case, tried and tested, then if my life has been going great at the moment and I’m gaining so much… then where is the loss?
My ambitions.
It’s amazing how things can turn about so quickly in such a short space.  Six months ago I was sure I was going to university, I wouldn’t have a relationship for a while and I would write more blogs.  Now, I’m in a full time job, I’m in a relationship and it’s been two months since I’ve written a blog.
Ok, ok… those are little things, granted, but it’s a small example of how something I was so sure of doing didn’t actually happen.  I’m loving my life at the moment, I have a great job (with great money), fantastic friends, loving family and an extremely patient and loving boyfriend.  It’s the ideal, right?
So what happens if I move away from it all in September?  It goes.

I’ve seen so many friends fade out of our social group because of university or job relocation and seem an outsider when they come back, and  long distance relationships are so difficult… I don’t want that to happen to me.
It boils down to this, future life vs. present life.
The logical thing to do would be to take a breath and just live for the moment here, I don’t have to make any decisions until August anyway so why worry about it now? Why – because I need to be in control of everything in my life, otherwise I panic and worry.  Just like now. 

Babatunde Olatunji once said ‘Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery.  And today?  Today is a gift.  That’s why we call it the present’
Guess I’ll just have to cool it for a while….

Till next time guys x

Evening guys!

Today’s blog is about trust, how valuable it is and how hard it is to trust again once its been shattered. 
It would be a redundant point to say that my levels of trust have recently gone out the window, as most of you have followed my path to moving on after heartbreak.  However, I have found that it is not just my trust in love that has now become deluded but also my trust in other people and more alarmingly, myself.
I made the point in my last blog that due to past issues haunting me, I have found starting this new relationship extremely difficult.  My new partner has had to find new levels of patience and understanding, for which I am eternally grateful, in order to persue and explore us.  It just seems like I have a tonne of baggage that I’m bringing into this…

I am so afraid of not only feeling that kind of hurt again, but more so inflicting it upon someone else.  I don’t trust myself.

Cardinal De Retz once said that ‘a man who does not trust himself can never really trust anyone else’.  I find myself questioning every motive and feeling I have at the moment, whether they be of a positive, benine or negative nature. 
I am not for one minute questioning whether or not I am ready for this, because good god I am, but more questioning how I do this, as last time I seemed to royally fuck it up.
Now, I know common sense dictates that I was not the one in the wrong in the last relationship and therefore should feel no guilt or misgivings about my actions.  However, when the one person that you love points out your deepest insecurities to you and uses them against you it’s hard not to listen…

At the moment, I am at the stage of not trusting myself.  Not so much from the point of view of lying or cheating, as I know deep down I could never do that to somebody after I have felt how much it hurt to have it done to me, but from the perspective of not being true to myself and that having consequences. 
The trust issues do not stay within the realms of love, they are everywhere.  I can’t trust anybody to meet me at a certain time and place, do me a favour or even stupid things like putting on the washing machine for me.

Alarmingly, I also feel like I can’t trust my own instincts and judgment anymore.  For months I was convinced that everything was fine within my life, and that any paranoid thoughts were purely down to my own self esteem and insecurities, so I brushed them off and comforted myself with logic.  Mainly, the person that I loved most in my life would never do such a thing to me, that I was being horrible for thinking and acting on such thoughts and ultimately if something was going on that wasn’t cricket then our mutual friends and family would tell me.
Obviously, things didn’t pan out that way, and as a result I became more reliant on my gut instinct.  However, when it is in your nature to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and to rationale all events, then that gut instinct can throw everything into chaos.  There’s also the matter of not knowing whether your gut instinct is telling you something again or whether, like a false pregnancy, you believe something is there because you want it to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I want to find out that someone close to me is being untruthful and for me to go through all of that again.  More if you believe that everyone is of a certain calibre then you don’t have to trust, you don’t have to make that leap.  You can keep the walls up and stay intact.

The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams.  If I stay behind my fort forever, then I can feel the gut wrenching pain that I know is possible…  I never want to feel that worthless and pathetic ever again. 
But as Frank Cane once said, ‘you may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough’.  I have to make that leap.

Until next week x

When I was sixteen, I was asked to write a list of qualities my ideal man/partner would have, and in the last couple of months I’ve come back to it.  Looking at it helped me realise that the last couple of men in my life have been either no good for me or not what I wanted, I would really recommend it as a useful excercise to anyone who’s feeling particularly low in the love stakes at the moment.
The ideal man would be tall, funny, intelligent, confident, loyal and honest.  A hard criteria list to measure against, of which I thought there were no such men, but I’ve recently found that there are.  Granted, there are only a handful, but they are out there… you just have to go swimming.
It’s the old chestnut of there are plenty more fish in the sea, but when you’re looking for salmon and there only seem to be jellyfish around, and you find a huge gaping hole in your net, it seems a little… tough.

Point is, when you’ve bagged that bloke, where do you go from there?

The ultimate dilemma is when you’ve been burnt and hurt so much, do you let your guard down for what seems the perfect guy and ultimately run the risk of having a repeat offence, or do you keep the walls up so you can’t feel that again?
If you do, how far do you let those walls down?

Over the past week, I’ve been guilty of putting my foot on the accelerator as I think I’m so scared of losing something I want again.  While I have no doubt that I am wanted, and cared for intensely, the insecurities of my last relationship seem to haunt me.  Things that were said, things that were done, are constantly whizzing around in my mind and making this unsure period in a new relationship just that much harder.
It’s important to learn from your mistakes, and to take lessons away from past relationships, but at what point does it become intrusive rather than constructive?

When you’re with someone new, past relationships are bound to come up in conversation.  It’s probably one of the most important conversations you might have, other than the contraception talk (which coincidentally does not just consist of ‘whack it on’!).  It allows both parties to understand how things may perhaps move, and at what pace, with the new relationship.  It’s also an oppurtunity to take notes…
However, I think when this conversation does happen most people tend to forget themselves and how they might feel about their past as we are normally too busy focusing on the other party.  It’s a natural reaction to instantly dismiss any kind of pain and hurt you may still feel after you’ve moved on, it makes us feel somehow more weak to admit it.
It also worries the hell out of us that if you do acknowledge these feelings, then does that mean that you’re not over the person that created them? Are you headed for a rebound relationship? And finally, does the other person think that you’re using them to prove a point to yourself?

They’re scary, scary thoughts.  I can’t clarify these feelings for you, as I have to move through them myself first before I dole out any advice.  What I will say is don’t be scared… Let it happen.
There is a huge difference between not being ready and being terrified.  Either way, you’ll know when its right.

You can either stand on the sidelines of life, with a blurred vision, not taking part in the game or you can put on your specs and watch life snap into focus. 

x

This week hasn’t been spectacularly different to any other week in my life, the usual lunch dates, the same work routines and normal social gatherings, however this week I’ve stood back and truly appreciated the people in my life.

As always, my family is there for me, whether it be a roof over my head or giggling over attacking hedgehogs with a spatula (don’t ask…) or even being told off for leaving a tiny bit of coke in the bottle and not throwing it away because it would be no use to anyone else! I have no idea why I’m appreciative for that last comment, but bear with it there will be a moral somewhere…
Then there is the new circle of friends that seems to have developed over the last couple of months.  We had always been acquaintances, but never truly friends until this point.  There have been so many instances in the past few months that have seen us leaning on each other and offering support, you all know my one and I don’t think I would have come through it as well as I have had it not have been for these people.
Now I’m not talking the friend that you have that one conversation with about a boy and they tell you to dump them, I’m talking the friend that has the same conversation about said boy time and time again.  Anyone who has been through any type of hurt, and I’m not just talking love here, will understand that it takes time to heal and that process has a huge range. 
I’ll give you an example.  In the first week of my last breakup, I was an emotional mess.  I wouldn’t leave the house, I spent my time lying on my bed and crying (and I’m not being overly dramatic here!).  All through the week, my friends phoned me briefly just to see if I was ok, or if I needed anything, and then let me be…. until the day seven came.  On the last day of that week, I had an unexpected visit from my two very best friends who forced me out of my bedroom, shoved me in a car and we did nothing but drive for an hour listening to Kelly Clarkson.
Nothing was said, I wasn’t pushed, we went to MacDonald’s and I just verbally vomited. What a nice image for you! Ha Ha!
What I mean is, I sat in MacDonald’s and ranted, cried, despaired… the lot.  They sat there and listened.

I can understand all those self-help guides on the internet now that say surround yourself with a support network, friends and family who love you.  To have those people close to you, there for you, really helps and makes you realise that life isn’t over because of one tragedy!
So, to any of my friends who are reading this now and have seen me through to the other side of all this, I’d like to say thank you.  I love you.

This chapter of my life is closed now, it was merely my introduction and now I have the rest of my novel to write…

x

It forces to me to look at my own thoughts, in black and white, and truly understand and admit to myself how I feel.

 There’s been a lot of anger on this blog, and I’m not completely devoid of any anger now although I do think that I’m not as angry as I was seven weeks ago.  At the time I needed somewhere to just go crazy, because I was trying so hard to be the better person and not scream at him for what he did.  My god, I wanted to. 
A lot of my friends and family are puzzled as to why I didn’t literally attack him, scratch his eyes out so to speak, but I knew if I did I wouldn’t stop… I would have seized every emotion and impulse I had at the time, and I would have torn him to pieces.  I was genuinely scared that I had the potential to physically harm somebody, even worse that I wanted to. On top of all of this, I knew if I attacked him then it would, in some way, justify what he did.  I didn’t want to give him that.
So I did what I knew I did best, I wrote.  There are pages and pages of short stories, journals, poems, lyrics, proverbs and the occasional big letter scribble of ‘I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU LYING CHEATING TWAT!’ stacked away in some box that I can’t bring myself to open again.  It helped.  It’s still helping.  It’s my way of coping with everything, almost like a self counselling strategy that my mind seems to have created.
I also started blogging again, and more often, becoming a new routine in my week to replace the time I would have spent with him.  Also, if I’m completely honest, I was very aware that he checks my blog (still now) and I think it was my way of expressing just how much anger and hurt I had felt towards him without me screaming and attacking him. 

So, you’re probably wondering what’s brought me here this time?
I’ve just confessed this is my ‘go-to’ point when I’m feeling particularly blurgh (sorry, couldn’t think of a better word), so what has happened now? 
I was perusing my photos on facebook, looking for a photo of my brother and myself, when I happened to accidentally scroll onto a picture of myself and my ex in happier times.  I paused, I looked, I wasn’t bothered… until I noticed that he had detagged himself from it.  I couldn’t resist looking at other photos of us on the site, and found that he had done the same for every photo of a similar nature. 
I have to be honest, as I always am on here, it bloody hurt.  To add to the hostility between us, the history between us and the mountain of issues that were never addressed, it now seems that he does not want to be associated with me in any way, shape or form.
It’s almost like he is removing me.  That sounded melodramatic, I didn’t mean it in the sense of removing me from his life because he is quite welcome to do that (I have) but more as if he is denying my very existence and our relationship all together.  After everything.

He has detagged and detached himself from me.

I don’t know if he is doing this to move on, or to please his new girlfriend, or to be hurtful (in which case, mission success) but he kind of needs to know there will come a time when we meet again.  It’s a small town.  You can’t run away from your feelings forever, I learnt that the hard way.
I can almost see him reading this now, scoffing at certain things and saying ‘what?!’.  After everything, he still sees this as my way of personally attacking him, making him seem this evil and vindictive person.  However, this blog is not about him, granted he pops up a LOT in the content of the blog but as I said earlier, its my therapy.  It’s about me, don’t be so self-centred as to think it’s about you!
I don’t know what else is to come, but I know there’s more mile stones to reach.  The next one will probably be Christmas, my first without him and our silly traditions, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it – I’m sure you’ll get a blog out of it!

Until the next issue guys x

I’m at that stage now, looking forward to my life and planning it out in great detail.  I’m going out so much more now, spending more time with fantastic friends and loving family members, planning for a new start in a new city as of September and looking forward to starting my life again.  Realising my dreams and reaching for the stars (gosh, that sounded like something straight out of a Disney movie!).
I’ve even tried to reach out the respective ex and offer a truce, moving on and dealing with it like the adults we are supposed to be.  Unfortunately it seems that said ex is quite happy accepting the offer and then reverting back to being childish and spiteful, but do you know what? That’s his choice.
I say this now Fluff, if you are truly happy with the girl you cheated on me with then I wish you luck. you’re sure as hell are going to need it when the honeymoon period is over and you realise you don’t actually want her, she doesn’t trust you and you start to feel the hurt that you once caused me.  I advise you read up on how to get over an ex once they’ve moved on… in fact, here’s a link – http://www.howtoguides365.com/how-to/cope-ex-moving-on/

That being said, I often wonder why women seem to want to torture themselves by wondering how their ex is getting on.  I’m talking twitter pages, facebook pages, myspace, bebo, youtube, the list is endless.
I have no desire to know what’s going in in my ex’s love life, work life, or any life, but I still check those pages.  It’s an involuntary response! It hurts. Full stop.
Regardless of where you are in the greiving process, even if you have a new partner, when you look on those pages and see that your ex is (seemingly) having the time of his life with his new love instead of you it cuts like a dagger.  I’ll give you an example…

Tonight, after having a fantastic day out, I came home to check my facebook and mosied on down to my ex’s profile to have a gander.  His status claimed that he was watching the film that we had seen on our first date, to which his new girlfriend then commented saying it was an amazing film and ‘life was good’.  Not a problematic status in itself, in fact quite harmless, but it still hurt a little bit.
I had my moment, which lasted all of half an hour, then got over it.  But it made me wonder, if this is the effect it is having on me, then why check the page? It’s the emotional equivalent of slapping yourself across the face, feeling the pain and then giving yourself another slap a couple of hours later.  You know it hurts, but you can’t resist the urge.

I’m beyond my ex hurting me now, I just have to watch myself. 

There are many more milestones to come in my process, I know that, and it’s one of those things where I’m going to have to ride the waves and see where the shore comes out. Time will sort it, but unfortunately you can’t fast forward time.  It has been five weeks since my break up, and I think I’m doing pretty fabulously!
(As a side note too, a little male attention after being rejected for someone else does the world of good! My god, I didn’t realise I was that irresistable to some people!)

‘To thine own self be true’ – Hamlet

Until next week x